I Will Not Be Saving 10% on Car Insurance

When we last left the story, the Gecko was attached to the side of my suitcase. I had -carefully- and -quickly- moved the suitcase off of my bed and set it -gently- on the floor. I checked back a few minutes later to still see it secured to the side of the suitcase, so I -softly- zipped the suitcase closed.

About 30 minutes later I checked back on the situation. Um........ this is what I found.

Yep, dead (on his back) Gecko. And, yes, he was still on his back -sleeping?- when I checked out the following morning.

Mildly Crappy Travel

ABBA blogged about her truly terrible travel week a few days back. My travel experience this week hasn't been that bad, but I'd also prefer to not be traveling.

Issue 1: the barking dog. My neighbor apparently has brought their dog with them and then proceeded to abandon the pet for the duration of their trip. The dog barks CONSTANTLY while the owner is away. It really doesn't bother me that much.... I just feel really bad for the dog :(

Issue 2: Um, gecko! I was chatting with my friend Margo while packing tonight and realized right as I was tossing something into my suitcase that a gecko had made himself at home on the side of the suitcase. I carefully picked the suitcase up off the bed (where I did NOT want the gecko to wander off to) and set it on the floor. A few minutes later, while he was still securely perched on the side of the suitcase, I zipped it closed. Ugh. How will I sleep tonight without constantly feeling like it is crawling on me???

Brotherly Love

When I was in one of the lowest points I've been at in my life, my sweet brother called me from Paris with a proposal. He is a consultant, and I told him I expected a PowerPoint presentation with any proposal he might have. He did not have one prepared but made a compelling case nonetheless: I should come see him and go to Pamplona for the Running of the Bulls. Heck yeah! So I'm currently excitedly planning a 7-day trip to Paris/Spain this summer - can't wait!

This comes just a month or so after I gave him a fantastic birthday present. I'll share it here, since my other blog has kind of fallen by the wayside :( His birthday (April 8th) also happens to be Draw a Picture of a Bird Day. This was my crack at drawing Tweety. Impressive, huh?

New Blog Title: Pictures of 22

Admittedly I am not feeling so creatively inspired as to blog lately. But I do feel guilty for completely ignoring my blog :( Solution:? pictures of the 22s that appear in my life

Friday night my favorite little boy (uh, am I offending anyone here? hope not...) came over with his mama to survey my house before it goes on the market. He's the dancing boy I posted awhile back. Such a cutie pie. Anyhoo, I had to smile (through my tears) when I saw that he was wearing a 22 shirt.

Today at lunch we were order #122 at Panera. These have to be good signs, right????

Today Was a 22 Day

Started off with badge #22

Ate lunch at a very chill bbq place off road 2222

Noted the 22 highway exit

How To: Make a Breakup CD

My recipe:

1. Survivor - Destiny's Child (Lyrics | Video)
2. Irreplaceable - Beyonce (Lyrics | Video)
3. Fighter - Christina Aguilera (Lyrics | Video)
4. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (Lyrics | Video)
5. Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson  (Lyrics | Video)
6. So What - Pink (Lyrics | Video)
7. Who Knew - Pink (Lyrics | Video)
8. There You Go - Pink (Lyrics | Video)
9. F* It - Eamon (Lyrics | Video)
10. My Friend Peter - Alkaline Trio (Lyrics | Video)
11. Whataya Want from Me - Adam Lambert (Lyrics | Video)
12. Rolling In the Deep - Adele (Lyrics | Video)
13. My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne (Lyrics | Video)
14. Pieces - Sum 41 (Lyrics | Video)
15. How's It Going to Be? - Third Eye Blind (Lyrics | Video)
16. Not Gon' Cry - Mary J Blige (Lyrics | Video)
17. How Do I Live - Trisha Yearwood (Lyrics | Video)
18. One Last Cry - Brian McKnight (Lyrics | Video)

bonus: A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans (Lyrics | Video) - thanks, Joanne :)

It was on constant repeat on the 3 hour drives to and from this week!

I took the approach of going angry to sad, so I could skip through sad ones (dependent on mood). 1-10 I termed "angry", 11-15 I termed "mid" and 16-18 were "sad." I listened to #16 about a trillion times, though, and was more angry than sad. I have only listened to 17 and 18 once each :)

More Nieces (or Nephews?)

Not sure if y'all saw the news on facebook or on my SIL's blog, but they will be adding 2 new members to our family later this year :)

Here is the full synopsis

Found My Sparkle

I don't know what shifted yesterday, but I got some of my power back. What he has been putting me through these past few weeks, I have just been a pathetic, crying mess. I really doubted that I would be able to get through this - how can you just stop loving someone you've loved half your life? I literally could only see emptiness and intense sorrow in my eyes when I looked in the mirror.

Something happened last night that just flipped my switch from being pathetic to okay. I think I hardened a little bit and realized that I can't live these next 6 months (or however long it takes for him to make up his mind on if he wants to be married to me or not) as just a shell of myself, just trying to survive to that decision point. I need to take this time for myself to determine if I want to be married to him.

There are a lot of ways that trust can be broken in a marriage. For me, the one with the biggest and longest lasting impact is abandonment. I actually almost used that as one of my insecurities during the 30 Day Photo Challenge. This has really destroyed my trust in that, and I need to figure out if I can forgive him for this.

So... not trying to overshare, just wanted to give everyone who has dealt with my uncontrollably sobbing via phone, bbm, or in-person over the past few weeks some confidence that I won't be doing that again anytime soon :)

A Quick Update

I gotta be honest - I don't think I'll be blogging much for awhile. This has been the absolute hardest time of my life. I really thought (hoped?) I was all cried out, but tonight proved otherwise. Just to give a high-level update on where we are - the King has asked for a separation and time to figure out what he wants/needs. At first I was 100% against this idea. I had the wheels in motion for divorce and selling the house and everything. Then I realized that I still loved him. I always thought that if I was filing for divorce, I would want to be. I don't. At all. It's the exact opposite of what I want. I want to fight for us, I want to put in effort and work through this. So.... as difficult as the past 10 days have been, I guess I'm signing up to stay in this state until he tells me otherwise. I can't imagine anything harder than just letting him go on a hope, prayer, and doubt that he will come back. It kills me to have no control in the situation, but that is how it must be.

I can't tell whether this is turning me introverted or extroverted. I have been writing in a journal a lot and really in my head a lot, which is a very therapeutic outlet. At the same time, I need to keep busy a lot to keep from completely obsessing about what all of this means. Happily, I also have an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. I know I can't handle this on my own, and as fantastic as all my friends and family have been, I definitely think this is something I need.

Please keep us in your prayers. We really need it. I have loved this man for nearly half my life, and I do not want to learn how to live without him. 

Pretty Shitty Eggs

When the King made the official determination that he was not at all certain that he wanted to be married any longer, packed up his car, and left for good, I was making eggs. They did not turn out very well.

I Have the Best

My intent is not for the blog to become my daily journal of the emotional rollercoaster I am on. In fact, I initially planned really to take a blog-vacation while dealing with this. So today's post is not really about where I am at with all this, where I am at with handling it, nor about the next steps I'm going to take.

What I have realized over the past 24 hours is how amazing my friends and family and overall support system are. I shudder to think about how many minutes have been burned up on my cell phone over the past 2 days. When the locksmith was at my house the other night (under ABBA's careful supervision), he commented to me while running my credit card that he has never seen anyone on the phone as much as me. I was literally having to make a call-back list because I had so many people supporting me through it.

When we had our first conversation on Sunday, I did not plan to tell anyone what we were going through. It's very personal and private, and my intent was to respect that. However, Monday I realized how badly the King was being influenced by negative people and by people who don't even know me, don't even know us. How could they give him advice on what to do without that knowledge? I started reaching out to people that know the King, that know us, and just trying to inject some positive influences on him. Everyone that I called on was beyond amazing in trying to reach out and help us get through this. Unfortunately, he was not in a place to listen.

My brother and then my parents were some of the last people I officially told. That was mainly because I knew that the King would be even less receptive to feedback from them, since he would (rightfully) assume that they were on "my" side. When I told my parents, that was the final step for me in the decision-making process. If I had thought there was a glimmer of hope at us not divorcing, I would never have told them. I don't want their opinion of him tainted.

I guess the whole point of this is that I am just so completely overwhelmed with all the support you guys have showered on me. This really sucks to go through - all the ups and downs of it - but I am just so completely blessed to have you all. The phone calls, the texts, the offers/demands for me to come stay at amazing places around the world....... I love you guys!

PS: I'm not proofreading this. It's kind of a rambling collection, and probably has some grammatical/punctuational issues. sorry... the first thing that has left me this week has been my ability to type!

I'm Getting Divorced: Sorry if you found out on facebook

First of all, I have to share this 22 that I got at lunch today. The past 24 hours have been the worst of my life. I think I told someone last night that if I never had to have a day half as bad as this past one for the rest of my life, I would feel blessed. So when I placed my order at Macallister's today and was handed the magic 22, I was thinking that things were looking up.

Sunday afternoon, the King told me that he had been talking to a buddy at work and was thinking we should do a trial separation. *BAM* Um, I'm sorry, what?! Yes, it's apparently just that easy. One minute I think I have such a blessed, happy life, and the next I'm being told that my world is shattering. I have taken this whole week off work and really dedicated myself to being the perfect wife and showing him what he would be throwing away. 13 years together, 6 years of marriage, a pair of the best friends ever. We have had countless really good conversations, but yesterday he made it clear that he did not want to be married anymore.

I'm in an ok place today - much better than yesterday. The previous 4 days were spent in this limbo land - I knew I couldn't take off work indefinitely, and could not keep up the perfect wife routine for the long term ;) Today I have clarity about what is ahead for us. I'm going through the divorce checklist because I can unequivocally say that I have given him every chance, every push, every encouragement that he was making a huge mistake. He was not interested, so at this point I am just giving him what he wants.

It sucks

Sorry for the facebook book *BAM*. I have not slept in the past 5 days, have not really eaten well the past 5 days (ABBA accused me of going scarecrow last night *yikes!*), and I'm just on caffeine, alcohol, and adrenaline rush. I'm not really thinking clearly :(